Sometimes, we forget how much work we have done to get to where we are today. On a regular basis, I need to remind myself how far I have come, especially when I am reminded of the ways that I fell short in the past.
Regret is a hopeless word. It feels heavy with guilt, shame, and not being able to go back and do it all over again. If only I had known what I know now, I would have done things differently. I might even be in prison. Recently, I started watching the TV show Three Pines. In the episode I watched last night, I heard the detective in the show say that he believed everyone is capable of murder. I realized listening to someone I care about very much today talk about how they were harmed as a result of being a part of our own damaged religious and family system, that the detective was right. I was angry. Angry at my parents for not giving me what I needed as a child. Angry at the religious system that kept me in denial and abuse. Angry at my husband for being a part of the male patriarchal system that suppressed my voice. Angry, mostly at myself, for not seeing the truth sooner. Sometimes, I spend too much time looking for someone to blame. Anything to bring relief to that which I do not understand, and the loss of time that we can never get back.
Speaking of time, I read an interesting article today about time. Scientists, according to a recent NPR article, have discovered that even time is a lot more complex than what we understand.
In places where gravity is very strong, time as we understand it can break down completely. At the edge of black holes, for example, the powerful gravitational pull slows time dramatically, says Prescod-Weinstein. And upon crossing the black hole’s point of no return, known as its event-horizon, she says space and time flip. “You end up in a region where space now has an arrow, and it’s one direction … and time doesn’t have an arrow like it did before,” she says. “There’s really no sense of time.”
When I think about there being no sense of time, it gives me hope that maybe I don’t need to spend my time regretting all the time that I have lost. The Bible talks about how to God one day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day. While I know I will always grieve the losses of our past, it’s helpful to know that every day moving forward is just as important as the days that have passed. And all of the work we are doing on ourselves matters. It is a gift to others, no matter what happened in the past.
I needed to remind myself of this today. I wanted to remind you, too. 💛