“So I won’t just go . . . crazy . . . if I forgive myself?” “No, I am certain that you will not. Your brain and life lessons won’t go anywhere. You’ll just feel good again. Don’t you deserve that?” She nodded. “I think I do.” Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse Jackson Mackenzie

Don’t you deserve to feel good again?

This is a simple but profound question I found myself asking while reading Whole Again this morning. The heavy weight of my own destructive choices as a result of the emotional abuse and manipulation of a toxic pastor and unhealthy church system continued to feel heavy.

It is not uncommon for survivors of abuse to carry the weight of toxic shame for many years following abuse. Toxic shame can manifest itself in our lives by reminding us through self-loathing and condemning voices that we screwed up, and we better not do it again. It tells us if we let our guards down we will screw up again. It says, because of what we did, we don’t deserve to experience happiness.

For years I was taught in church that we are sinners and not capable of doing good without Jesus. This is a foundational doctrine that is a part of most evangelical churches. I had been taught for years in church that in order to connect with Jesus, who is the only One who can enable us to do good, that I needed to attend church to maintain my connection with Him.

But what happens when our source of salvation becomes an environment where we lose all hope in ourselves?

Disillusionment happens.

Hopelessness happens.

Toxic shame happens.

I discovered after many failed attempts at returning to church after experiencing religious trauma and abuse, that attending church successfully could not be my recovery goal.

If I wanted to feel good again, I needed to learn how to love and forgive myself; which meant dealing with the toxic shame.

What survivors of spiritual abuse need most is unconditional love, forgiveness, and reminders that abuse was not their fault.

I needed to know that Jesus would still love me even when I couldn’t attend church.

If you are a survivor of spiritual abuse, you deserve to feel good again. You deserve to receive love again. You deserve the unconditional love and forgiveness of Jesus just like everyone else, even if you can’t attend church, read your Bible or pray.

Whole Again is a great resource for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The most important thing we can do is to continue our healing work by taking care of ourselves in ways that bring relief. Reading this book has been one such way for me.

If you are a survivor of spiritual abuse, your deserve to feel good again…