I am too hard on myself.
I push myself to be better than I am.
I want to do everything right.
And keep everyone from getting upset with me.
I realize how much I am doing this to myself when circumstances reveal to me just how out of my control things are.
Then the self-condemnation comes.
I feel overwhelmed, discouraged and wonder if I will ever get any better. It never ceases to amaze me how one triggering event can take my brain to a very dark place.
Most people aren’t able to give us the compassion that we need.
Only the safe ones can.
Especially when we’ve suffered from spiritual abuse.
The same scriptures that give others a reason to hope have been twisted and used to abuse us.
The messages we receive from well intended Christians tell us to forgive. To not get stuck in being a victim. To not let bitterness overtake us. Keep reading scripture. Keep praying. Keep serving Jesus. Keep coming to church.
It’s the best advice they have to give.
These are words that encourage them.
It’s easy to conclude that we must be doing something wrong when these words don’t encourage but rather condemn us even more.
It’s been five years since I last saw the man who abused our family.
And I still find myself believing the lie that the abuse was my fault.
And this lie pushes me to try to be a better Christian than I am and results in me being too hard on myself.
And then I just want to give up.
These are hard things to confess.
I thought I was better than I am.
But the wounds of spiritual abuse run deep.
And just when I think I am moving past them something happens to remind me that they are still there.
The quotes below come from a recent airing on The Allender Center podcast on the subject of spiritual abuse.
I realize after reading these words that so much of the time my own pain is hidden from me.
There’s another part of me that can operate and function well on the surface.
This part can go to work and perform well.
This part can go to church and smile, stand in front of the church and read a scripture passage and give others the impression that I am doing fine.
But the reality is there is still so much pain hidden beneath the surface that needs healing.
This podcast helped me to understand how important it is to acknowledge my hidden pain when it comes to the surface.
This painful part of me went underground, because when I trusted the wrong person they used it to abuse and manipulate me.
When someone who is ordained by God to serve, protect and help us trample down our boundaries and get inside our souls and do tremendous damage, the fallout is deep distrust of others and ourselves.
We build walls to protect ourselves.
Walls that give the appearance that we are a lot stronger than what we are.
A couple of therapists gave me valuable advice.
They said to just observe others, especially at church.
To give myself all the time I needed to heal.
I forget this advice a lot.
I get impatient with myself.
I allow the words and expectations of others push me to do more and try harder.
And then I find myself crumbling under their weight.
And the pain comes seeping out.
My husband and I prayed yesterday that God would speak directly to us.
That He would help us to see past people and hear from Him.
And I turned on the Allender podcast and God spoke to the damaged parts of my soul.
And I knew in those moments that God sees our pain.
He knows and hurts for us, too.
He cares and prays for us when we don’t know how to pray for ourselves.
He’s angry about the abuse.
He promises to bring justice.
He promises to wipe away all of our tears.
And He said for me to treat myself with the same compassion He gives me.
I feel the weight of the pressure lift off of my shoulders.
My soul is safe with Him.
I can honor my pain by allowing it to come to the surface for Him to heal.
If your soul has been damaged by spiritual abuse, please know that God understands even when others can’t.
He will not abandon us.
Dan: “We would not be doing this if we did not think there was the potential for deep, deep change. But when you have suffered this deeply in this arena, with the stain of that level of evil, where you have actually come to feel and fear that you are as dark and evil as the person who harmed you, it is very hard to believe that you will have your body back, that this kind of shame which is indelible and permanent will never, ever be able to be escaped, and therefore isn’t it better to just try to isolate, go low, escape from involving. To that I say Hell no, hell no that isn’t true, because Heaven yes, there is actually a redemptive process that will bring you back to regain your body.”