Real hope does not put us to shame.
I spent some time this morning thinking about these words.
It has been fifteen years since I knelt beside a man that I called pastor and asked him to give me something he was not able to give.
I did not know at the time how desperately I longed for a father’s love.
I did not know how much pain I was in.
His hug that day caused my brain to wake up to it.
And I believed he was my hope.
But the hope that he gave brought me much shame.
This is the time of the year that it happened, and I find myself struggling more than usual.
Sometimes I find it difficult to read the scriptures and find hope, because I am reminded of this shame.
Sometimes sitting in church I am overwhelmed with memories of it through a song or sermon.
Sometimes, on the really bad days, I wonder if I will carry the weight of this shame for the rest of my life?
How much more can I possibly write about it?
How much more can I possibly say that I forgive?
What else needs to be said to finally put this memory to rest for good?
I wish I knew.
But thank God He meets us where we are, even on the really bad days.
And He reminds me to take life one day at a time.
Trusting that He will see me through even when I wonder if He has abandoned me.
I confess sometimes it just feels too hard.
I heard a pastor discussing spiritual abuse a while ago.
He said that often people don’t know how to stop being a victim after being abused.
His words hurt even if they were true.
It’s hard not to get stuck in being a victim when one has been victimized.
None of us like to believe that suffering can be so out of our control.
We’d much rather assume that a person who is suffering isn’t doing enough.
They just don’t have enough faith.
They just aren’t pursuing God enough.
Reading their Bible enough.
Surely God would not allow a person to suffer so much.
Try telling that to someone with a cancer diagnosis.
Why is mental illness any different?
It’s so important that we do not judge one another in our suffering.
Only when we learn listen to our own pain and one another’s pain can we bring healing and relief to those who are hurting.
We are not victims.
We are survivers.
We learn to be thrivers despite what we have been through.
I believe it.
But it is a process.
And there is no exact formula for everyone.
God heals us in His own time and in ways that He knows we need.
My therapist has said to me more than once that the definition of responsibility is the ability to respond.
Respond to life’s circumstances one day at the time in a better way than we did before.
Learn from the past.
What we see we will not unsee.
Be kind to ourselves.
Ask for help.
Never give up.
Look to God for help.
For me this looks like today reading one scripture verse.
One simple promise.
That God’s hope does not disappoint.
His love has not abandoned us.
It is the gift of hope.
And real hope does not put us to shame.