If we never open our hearts again after abuse, we believe that we can protect ourselves.
But really what happens is we get trapped inside ourselves with only our painful memories.
If we keep our hearts closed, we will suffocate and die.
We need love to live.
We need to let the trauma out.
Everytime I begin to crack the door open, my hypervigilent mind goes back to the time when I opened my heart to a man who told me the things that I so desperately longed to hear.
The more I see the potential for love, the stronger the memories become.
The closer we get to what we truly need, the more our enemy works to keep us from it.
My abuser’s words whisper to me all over again.
You are beautiful.
You are special.
You belong to me.
We are soul mates.
I will never leave you.
His words caused my heart to open wide to receive whatever he wanted to give me.
But what I received was abuse.
Is it any wonder that one would want to close their heart forever after such a thing?
Abuse causes deep shame for the desires that we had that caused us to open our hearts.
But the desires were never the problem.
Let me say that again. Our desires are not the problem.
The one who decided to lure us in through our desire was the problem.
An evil so dark and insidious that wanted to kill us.
He wanted to take us from Him.
He wanted to destroy what God created for good.
A fish hook with a worm dangling from it causes the fish to pursue it, because of it’s hunger.
However, once it’s mouth has clamped down on what it thinks is food pain happens.
The fish is caught, but not because of it’s desire for food. It was the fisherman who used it’s desire against it to meet his own needs.
It’s very difficult for me to separate my desire from shame. As soon as desire comes, I begin to fear that it will get me into trouble again.
The same desires that caused my heart to open up and receive abuse, are the same desires that God placed in us that cause our hearts to open to Him.
How do we open our hearts to receive from Him?
How do we trust again?
How can we risk again?
It starts with a desire to escape the numbness that being locked inside our own selves causes.
God gently nudges at our hearts letting us know He is there.
He gently leads us showing us the things that we need to see in order to be able to trust and risk again.
The truth that sets us free.
His perfect love that casts our fear.
His love is patient.
He will not stop reminding us.
He’s got us even when we think we can’t hold onto sanity for another moment.
He won’t let us go.
God, help us to know this and to open our hearts to receive the love that you have to give.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.
Song of Songs 4:7 NLT
For he said, “Anyone who harms you harms my most precious possession.
Zechariah 2:8 NLT
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.
1 John 4:4 NLT
But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.
1 Corinthians 6:16-17 NLT
For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”
Hebrews 13:5 NLT
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
Zephaniah 3:17 NLT