Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.
Philippians 2:3-7 ESV
Jesus emptied Himself.
As I think about these verses, I recognize how many times throughout my day I’m looking for something to fill me up. I don’t like being empty. I want to be full and satisfied.
It never ceases to amaze me how conversations with my therapist cause me to really think about things in ways I haven’t thought about them before. Yesterday, we talked about the role emptiness plays in spiritual abuse. I felt empty, spiritually depleted and desperate when I went to my former pastor for help. This put me in an incredibly vulnerable position to him. His role as a pastor was to encourage me to find what I needed from Jesus, but instead he became the person who fulfilled my needs.
As I look back on that time, I am blown away by how subtle the deception was, but also how similar the feeling of fullness that I recieved from him was to my experiences with God in the past.
Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
We can indeed be filled with something that feels good and be misled into believing it is from God.
That’s why it’s so important to ask ourselves what really is filling us up?
As I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs, we’ve been attending a new church. It’s been a good experience thus far. I’m actually starting to feel like I’m experiencing life again. However, in some ways this is frightening to me, because I am afraid of being deceived again.
The question my therapist and I discussed was how can I know if what’s happening is real? How can I know if I’m being filled with the goodness of God? The answer is as simple as thinking about what it really is that fills me up.
The pastor of this church has a lot of energy. I only recently realized that this church is actually charismatic. I have had a preconceived notion about charismatics for most of my life. The stories I’d heard about what went on in some churches like this had always turned me off. They seemed out of control and unstable. And for someone like me that was a complete turn off. Holding it together on the outside is extremely important to me. I don’t like to dance, hold my hands up, or even pray out loud. I much prefer the comfort of hiding behind my screen writing about Jesus behind the scenes. I wonder if God doesn’t get a chuckle from leading me to a charismatic church where I am hearing from Him more clearly than I have in a long time. The pastor of this church has been a conduit for some of what I’ve heard. And lately God has been speaking to me a lot about how He uses our brokenness to reveal the light of His love. In this scenario, it would be incredibly easy to look to the pastor as the source of what I’m hearing, rather than God. It would also be easy to allow myself to feed off of this pastor’s energy and become dependent on him rather than God. I recognize only too well from my past experience how easy it is to be filled with the wrong thing which does not feel at all like the wrong thing. The energy one recieves from allowing another person to fill us can very closely resemble God’s filling in our lives. That’s why it is in the forefront of my mind how incredibly important it is to ask myself what it is that is filling me.
As broken human beings in a world that so much of the time feels out of control, we don’t like to feel empty or to wait on God. Doing so can feel like a waste of time. It’s hard not to grab hold of the first thing that comes along that looks appetizing and want to consume it. Our Western culture in particular struggles with this. I’ve really been struck lately by just how consumeristic we are and how much this has effected me. It’s taken me years to finally realize if I consume all of the food that I want to eat when I want to eat it, I will only experience a short term benefit followed by an overwhelming feeling of sickness. It seems the older I get the more I really have to pay attention to what I am putting in my mouth. I am learning this about my spiritual life as well. What I choose to allow to fill me up can make all the difference between how I feel on the other side of consuming it.
Yesterday, my daughter and I spent some time sharing with the pastor our past hurts and current fears about the church. I have felt lately the only way to move forward past these fears is to face them head on. Walking in the doors of the church to meet with him, felt like dejavu. I wondered if I wasn’t losing my mind to be attempting to trust another pastor with our hurts. I reminded myself that I wasn’t the same person I was before. I was no longer vulnerable in the same ways. This became even clearer to me after talking to him. It revealed a lot of God’s healing in my own life when I realized this pastor was just another human being just like me; a broken clay pot who God’s light shines through, and he made sure we knew it, too.
He didn’t offer us himself.
He offered us God instead.
I was so incredibly relieved.
What fills you up?
For this reason [grasping the greatness of this plan by which Jews and Gentiles are joined together in Christ] I bow my knees [in reverence] before the Father [of our Lord Jesus Christ], from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name [God–the first and ultimate Father]. May He grant you out of the riches of His glory, to be strengthened and spiritually energized with power through His Spirit in your inner self, [indwelling your innermost being and personality], so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through your faith. And may you, having been [deeply] rooted and [securely] grounded in love, be fully capable of comprehending with all the saints (God’s people) the width and length and height and depth of His love [fully experiencing that amazing, endless love]; and [that you may come] to know [practically, through personal experience] the love of Christ which far surpasses [mere] knowledge [without experience], that you may be filled up [throughout your being] to all the fullness of God [so that you may have the richest experience of God’s presence in your lives, completely filled and flooded with God Himself]. Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.
EPHESIANS 3:14-21 AMP