The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord .
Hope can be a scary thing when all you’ve hoped for seems like it has been lost; when bitterness is all that’s left.
At times I have never wanted to hope again.
I will never forget how awful it has been.
I hoped for so many things that did not come true.
But hope was not the problem.
It was what I hoped in that was.
For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
The shame of placing my hope in the wrong things has been difficult to sort through.
Understanding that hope isn’t the problem, but where I was looking for it was is the key to moving forward.
I believed that there was something wrong with me for wanting the things that I did. That somehow those desires are what caused me to sin.
But it was never wrong to desire a father figure in my life or a person to love me unconditionally. Those are the kind of relationships God created us for.
To grow up with an abusive father placed a big hole in my life and filled it with fear.
Initially, my former pastor seemed to fill that hole and put those fears to rest. He made me feel safe. Until I discovered he wasn’t safe at all.
How can I hope again after so much that I hoped for brought such destruction?
How can I not hope for something better than this?
Therefore, I will hope in something else besides the things that have disappointed me.
I will hope in God.
I will continue to seek after Him.
There is no where else to go.
When I’m able to see past the pain of my life, I recognize His loving presence has been there all along.
He’s never ceased calling me back to Him.
His mercies are new every morning.
What a good and faithful Father He is.
He is my safety.
He will never do me harm.
His hope is bigger than my disappointment.
His hope is beyond what my mind is capable of understanding.
He is worth waiting for.
I dare to Hope in Him.