Speak what you feel, not what you ought to say.
Chuck Degroat, Falling into Goodness
These are the words that spoke so powerfully to my heart last time I wrote here. Now it’s time to apply this advice with someone that I do not feel safe around.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt pressure. Pressure to keep others happy. Pressure to do everything right. Pressure to keep the peace at all costs, rather than to risk losing it by telling the truth about how I really feel.
How do I tell this person that being around them only reminds me of my failures and my shame rather than anything positive?How do I say that I feel criticized, not trusted, pressured to do everything a certain way a large majority of the time even when things are going well? So much so, that I’ve decided it’s best not to come back.
I suppose I have no choice except to say it. I don’t know what to expect because their behavior isn’t predictable. That’s hard for someone who has spent my whole life reading others in an effort to please and maintain control. And I acknowledge this is part of the problem.
Over the course of the past three years, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my brokenness and my desperate need for God. I’m learning to be more honest with Him. I’m learning He’s a good and perfect Father that I can trust. I’ve finally found a church where I can go and be reminded of Who He is without feeling condemned by others.
It has been a long, hard road.
And all I want is to get to a little more secure destination where I can heal and trust Him more.
I wish more than anything that these circumstances could have worked out. I truly believed that this job might be the place that I’d be able to heal and regain some confidence in myself.
But it just isn’t happening.
So today is the day to speak the truth, not what I ought to say.
I feel pressured, untrusted, criticized. My counselor and I talked and determined that this isn’t a healthy environment for me. I am unable to work out a notice, because I do not want any more damage to be done.
The right thing would be to put on a smiling face and work through this in a professional manner. To give a notice. To chalk it up to a personality conflict, but there are good reasons I don’t want to give here that I am not doing that.
Last night reading a blog by Marci Preheim, I understood why for my emotional health I need to leave this job. She said, A physical wound doesn’t heal when it continues to be re-injured. Turns out, neither does an emotional wound.
My identity has suffered blow after blow from being in one abusive environment after another. In order to heal, I need to be with others that I do not feel are tearing me down or reopening emotional wounds.
I thought that I was stronger than what I am. I thought that I could prove to others that I could bounce back from all of my mistakes and be an overcomer. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the triggers that keep going off, but I am not.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Maybe in all this mess the biggest lesson I need to learn is it’s ok to not be ok. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His grace is sufficient for me, and I have nothing to prove. If where I am is not where He has called me to be then it’s ok to just say it and move on. In the long run my compliance and pretending like I’m stronger than what I am will not bring positive results to anyone. It’s in my weaknessees that Christ’s strength shines through.
It’s time to embrace this truth.