When I was a little girl, more than anything else I wanted to belong.
There was just something that gnawed away at the depths of my heart that communicated to me that I was on the outside looking in.
I longed to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I yearned for connection with others, but it just never came, even with the people I called my friends and family.
I don’t know how much being adopted contributed to it. I know that the thought that my family was not my biological family never went far from my mind. Every time I felt rejected, which was a lot, I remembered that I was different from most of the kids I knew whose parents did not give them away.
And I just kept looking for that person, place or thing that just fit with me.
But I always discovered that I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and it just wasn’t going to happen.
Going through life feeling like one doesn’t belong anywhere is a terrifying place.
And the abuse from my adopted father is still so incomprehensible for my mind to grasp.
And somehow it caused me to believe that I only found the connection that I yearned for through sexual abuse.
Is it any wonder that I bonded with a predator, when I’d believed this lie from an early age?
It was the only connection I’d ever known.
It was where I thought I belonged.
But thank God, He snatched me out of that pit, illuminated the darkness and allowed me to see how terrible it really was.
It wasn’t connection. It was a disease that was killing me and stealing everything good He wanted me to have.
It was an insidious evil act.
I cannot thank Him enough for rescuing me, and reminding me every day that no matter how disconnected I may feel at times, that I really do belong with Him.
May I never, ever forget it.
Even when the desire for more than what I have begins to gnaw away at my soul.
May I open my heart and soul to the only one who can give me good things.
May I be patient and trust Him to provide.
May I never forget what He rescued me from.
May I always be humbled and grateful and know how much He loves me.
May He be my one true desire and may people, places and things in this world always fall short quickly before I ever latch onto them for my hope again.
I belong with Him.
And there’s no place I’d rather be.