Sometimes we trust our hearts to another and it doesn’t work out. We discover that we made a terrible mistake, and the confusion we feel when this realization grips our mind is crippling for a time. It’s easy to just want to give up and never trust anyone again. It certainly seems safer that way. Perhaps, the main person we do not trust is ourselves. Why didn’t we know better? Why were we so desperate and so needy that we allowed ourselves to be blinded by our unmet desires?
I still don’t have the answer for my own self, but I know that even without all the answers that I have to move forward again into the great dark unknown territory of trusting others with who I am. Maybe they are safe. Maybe they will care. Or maybe I will discover after I have allowed myself to be vulnerable that they were really out for themselves. Maybe their motives will shock me before it’s all said and done. Maybe I’ll be harmed again. But I can’t not do it. I can’t not have relationships and hide inside my cave. The loneliness will only make me desperate again to relieve my pain in ways that will only bring me more pain.
He is out of my life now, and I cannot assume that every relationship will end the same way. He was responsible for himself, and though he said his only problem was loving me, I will not take his sin on myself. I will merely take responsibility for my own part and take it to the cross again and again until I finally accept the truth that it is truly finished.
I am moving forward into acceptance of the things I can and cannot change. I’m hopeful that finally God is giving me the wisdom to know the difference between the two. Although there was huge disaster when I made the decision to change the circumstances of my life before, I would still make the change again. I do not regret getting out. It was the best decision I ever made. Though I cannot make others understand or change their opinions about me or what happened, I am learning that I can trust God to change what needs to be changed. I can start new, and this time I will do it differently. This time I won’t keep secrets and I’ll tell the truth – even when it hurts. I know I won’t do it perfectly – none of us do, but I’ll do it being the real person God created me to be, not just the woman who wears herself out being the person she thinks everyone wants her to be. Yes, I know it’s going to be uncomfortable. I’ve hidden behind those walls ever since I was a child, because it was what I needed to keep myself safe, but I was a victim then, but I’m not a victim anymore. I’m a survivor by the grace of God who will not volunteer to be victimized again. The wall will come down and the pain will come in, but I will not dissociate from it. I’ll feel it, take it to the Lord and that small circle of people I am learning to trust. And change in me will come. It already is, and I thank God, thank God for how far He has brought me.