What I Really Feel


That’s how I often feel when things are out of my control.

And that helplessness causes me to desperately ask the question – why?

It’s just too hard to fathom that these problems are beyond my control, and there isn’t much I can do to make it better within my own strength.  It’s all up to another person’s decision who has the power to make it better.
And he can choose to be kind to me or lash out. He can choose to forgive or hold onto bitterness. He can choose to reach out to God for help or do it on his own.

I think I’m helping things when I take the responsibility for my husband’s  emotional well being on myself,  but I’m not, I’m  only keeping him from working through it himself and not blaming me.  It’s called codependency, and it’s not helpful at all.

As a little girl who’s father abused me sexually, I was in the same predicament,  helpless and unable to stop what he was doing to me.  I was in the middle of a nightmare and could not wake up, nor could I escape what he was doing. All I could do was grab hold of the only thing I could control and that was myself,  and maybe if I wasn’t a bad little girl, I could prevent him from doing it.  But he didn’t stop, so I figured I didn’t know how to be good. There must be something really bad about me that asked for his abuse. So shame took up residence in my heart. And it’s been living there for a very long time.

And today when others mistreat me I think the same thing.  That it’s all me. That I’m bad and I get sucked into hopelessness and fear.  But the truth I’m beginning to see is what I’m really  feeling is helplessness over what someone else is feeling and doing that is absolutely not my responsibility,  and no matter how good or bad I am it won’t change the fact that the only person I have control over is me. So rather than wallow in shame and guilt and thinking another person’s feelings and actions are my fault, I’m going to take what I’m really feeling,  my helplessness to God,  and trust Him to do whatever needs to be done in the others life, and ask Him to give me the strength to love him through it. And ask Him to help him. Healing is a long, difficult process for all of us and my husband is still healing from so much pain. God has been so patient with me for so many years, loving me at my worst, providing for me despite my bad attitude, working behind the scenes of every situation to bring about good in all of my bad choices. So I’m going to trust that He’s going to do this in this helpless situation. Because my help comes from Him, so I’m really not helpless.

Dear reader, please pray for our family. It’s been tough since we moved away from our home.  We’ve lost so many friends, and after all the betrayal it’s almost impossible to trust ithers. It’s been very difficult starting over and there have been so many reminders of past hurts that lock us down emotionally. Now my husband is looking for another job.  We are both feeling the pressure that financial stress brings.  We need some relief. Thanks so much for your prayers.

This article was very helpful to me in determining what I’m really feeling when I’m ashamed. It’s helped me to see how important my emotions are in my healing, and how I need to feel them in order to be whole.


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