You know all things and you know my heart. I write this for me not for you. Because I struggle to really know what’s going on inside of me.
Lately, I’ve been questioning my motives about the things I do. Why do I post certain articles on Facebook? Why do I send certain texts or emails? Why do I treat some people with kindness and avoid others all together?
I listened to Steve Brown yesterday talking about how he used to not care if people went to hell. It made me feel relieved, because if he felt that way maybe there is hope for me.
Sometimes I just don’t care what happens to others that have hurt me. My heart feels calloused and cold. I recognize my humanness and depravity in my lack of emotions and it scares me to death.
I realize that so much of what I believe is love is really affection for the people that give me the attention I yearn for. Several years back I met someone who told me everything I’d yearned to hear. I think I would have taken a bullet for them. Yet no matter how much affirmation they gave my desperate needy heart it was never enough. As a matter of fact the hole in my heart just grew bigger.
Often I post articles on Facebook I’ll admit because I want a like from someone else. Other times I read articles that speak to my heart and I have to share them, because maybe they’ll do the same for someone else. But I never want for someone to dislike what I say, that’s why I’m thankful there isn’t a dislike button on Facebook. I’d delete my account!
You told us that our enemies would be those in our own household. How can I bear this knowledge when I wouldn’t even want a dislike on Facebook? You told me to love my enemies, and yet I feel absolutely nothing for them. I find myself loving those people who love me…
For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
God, you set the bar so high, because you wanted me to know it was impossible for me to love others with your love without you.
I cannot do it on my own. I see that so clearly. All that’s left to do is surrender.
I’m so tired, God, so very tired of trying to get what I need on my own. Of saying all the right things, doing all the right things just to earn affection. I don’t want my agenda. I want yours. I need your love in my heart. I need to believe in you even when the circumstances aren’t going my way. I need to trust even when I feel judged or that others don’t like me. God give me your faith to do this.
I cannot truly love until I’ve been loved by you first. And thank you, God that you have loved me. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t. You’ve been a friend even when I was more interested in what others thought than what you did. You’ve been a merciful Savior even when I made someone else an idol. You’ve been my Father even when I believed I was an orphan. You’ve been on my side even when I thought you were my enemy. You’ve been my light even when I chose the dark. You’ve patiently waited while I’ve made this life all about me and my agenda, because You knew I’d come to the place when I realized that it just doesn’t work.
Thank you, God, that you have loved me at my most unlovable. Please continue to teach me what love really means so I can share this gift with others. I know in my heart of hearts that this is really the only thing that matters.