Addicted to Love

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I didn’t read 50 Shades of Grey, but I started to.  I picked up the book and was sucked in by the very first page like millions of others, but for an addict like me I had to force myself to put it down.

Some friends of mine told me about the book.  They had read the whole series.  They’d both been on reading binge consuming these books for the past couple of weeks.  Interestingly enough one of these ladies was my former pastor’s daughter.  Both of the ladies were fanning and talking about the character Christian Grey from the books.  They laughed as they talked about this guy being a dream. 

I’m a curious person, sometimes to a fault. The pastor’s daughter loaned me her Kindle book so that I could read it.  She couldn’t wait to hear what I thought about the book.

She had no idea at the time about the relationship between her father and myself.  She didn’t know I was fighting tooth and nail to avoid giving into sexual temptations with him. 

I got lost in Anastasia’s and Christian’s story from the very first page.  He was rich and powerful. She was vulnerable and needy.  From the words of Beth Moore, They were an emotional toxic cocktail.  Reading their story caused my own desires to burn within me.  When it got to the sex a few chapters in I had to make myself delete the book.  Reading it was causing me to backslide to the place I was trying to get out of.

When my pastor’s daughter asked me what I thought about the book soon after I told her my mind was perfectly capable of winding up in the gutter on it’s own, and I didn’t need the book to help me get there quicker.  I think at the time she probably thought I was weird or maybe even weak, but now that she knows the truth I would like to believe she understands.

Maybe some women have read 50 Shades of Grey or seen the movie and have treated it just like any other form of entertainment. They enjoy the book or movie and three months later they’ve forgotten all about it.  But I didn’t forget.  This book hit so close to home in the area of my own desires, that even now thinking about it I have the tendency to want to pick the book up and finish.  I feel like an alcoholic wanting just one drink, but knowing if I have one I’m going to have to have so much I will wind back up in the ditch.  The Robert Palmer song comes to mind – you might as well face it your addicted to love.

But after waking up from a hangover one too many times, I realize what I’m addicted to isn’t love, rather it’s an abusive relationship with someone who can control me. 

There’s this huge question in my mind, Why?  What is so appealing about a man who is stronger than me? In my case, he was emotionally stronger and able to manipulate me so well.  For women like Anastasia, it’s emotionally and physically.

Sometimes when I was with him and he’d just hug me I felt safe.  Other times when I gave into my desires towards him I felt free. Then there were those times I felt empowered by what I believe was love between us.  The connection we shared made me feel like I belonged.

The way I felt with him consumed me.  I was able to escape the pain I was feeling from circumstances out of control in my life. He was a drug. But just like any other addiction it left me feeling more empty and alone.

I listened to my counselor, Sharon Hersh, today on the Steve Brown, Etc. Show talk about our God given desires and how 50 Shades of Grey is a destructive distortion of these desires. l realized all of the things I felt in my own abusive relationship are those things God wants us to gain from our relationship with Him.  I also realized that everyone has a desire for these very things, but so many of us have no idea where to find them.   Thus the reason 50 Shades of Grey is so popular.

But there’s gotta be a better way than this.

I know where this kind of addiction goes and believe me you don’t want to go there.

I realize after listening to this program we are all on a journey looking to fulfill the same needs I had when I got tangled up in my own abusive relationship. 

Not getting my core needs met as a child, and being sexually abused by my father just made these needs even more desperate in my life.

But God gave us these desires. Therefore, He has also given us a way to fulfill them. 

I haven’t done so well trying to get them met my own way.

After all I’ve been through, I realize God is the only One who can meet my needs.  He wants me to feel safe, free, empowered, and know that I belong to Him. 

His way doesn’t provide instant gratification. Most of the time, it’s not a roaring flame of passion, but rather an ever constant glow that never goes out.
He’s with us in the moments we sit quietly watching the sunset or listening to our children laugh.  He’s the One ever constant presence, keeping watch over our souls, letting us know in the normal every day occurrences we are safe with Him.

He’s the wind in our sails, pushing us gently along through our days guiding us in the simple and difficult choices we have to make.  He’s the freedom we feel when complete the work He’s given and know we’ve done what we were created for.

He’s the strength behind my words, the force that gives me life.  The power of His love through me changes everything I touch.

He chose me before the foundation of the world, predestined that I’d be adopted into His family and belong to Him always.  We share an eternal connection that can never be broken.

I recognize He’s the fulfillment of my every need. 

So if you must watch 50 Shades of Grey,
I’m not here to judge.  But I do hope you know what you are watching isn’t love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends

Happy Valentine’s Day! May you be uplifted and encouraged in the knowledge of His love.

3 thoughts on “Addicted to Love

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