A Time to Lose

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What can I do about the losses in my life?  Loss of childhood, loss of innocence, loss of reputation, loss of years, and loss of friends.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately.

One thing that causes a tremendous amount of pain is the possible loss of a friendship I had. 

I’ve tried contacting her, but she just ignores me.  I’ve asked her did I offend her.  Radio silence.

There’s nothing I can do except experience the loss of her presence and wonder why?

Ignoring someone is one of the cruelest things you can do.  If you don’t want to talk to them, at least let them know why.  Say goodbye.  I’m busy. Something.

My last visit with this friend was meaningful. She was my biggest supporter and encourager. She got me through some of my most difficult times.

I have these thoughts.

Was I too much for her to handle?
Did I weigh her down?
Did someone change her mind about me?
Did they tell her lies?
The worst one:  Am I just a bad person who doesn’t deserve friends?

I’ve lost so much that I am left to wonder if I’ll be able to keep what I have in this new life I’ve started.

The only way I know to deal with these feelings is to write them down.

It’s hard not to look back and wish for the times that were.

The times I felt needed as a church administrative assistant.  When people called me to ask me questions about what was going on.  The last couple of years were really a turning point in my life. I had actually begun to take pride in my job. 

I taught a girl’s bible study with the friend who won’t talk to me now.  I was also starting to feel God was using me in this area.

I sang in church.  People complemented me afterwards and I felt respected.

But all of these things are gone.

Every time a person in that town that knows sees me I’ll be that woman.

The loss is overwhelming at times.

And of course there’s that big what if question. What if I’d gotten the help I really needed ten years ago rather than more abuse? 

I wouldn’t be dealing with all of this now for sure.

Losses have to be grieved. 

A couple of weeks I listened to a song still on the church website that my friends and I sang together.  It was one of the first time since I’ve moved here that I allowed myself to cry.  It was hard, but I felt a little more alive afterwards.

Loss just stinks. 

But I’m used to it. 

Maybe it sounds like I’m having a pity party and an inviting you all to it.  I am a little bit.

But I’m also trying to be honest and move on.

It could have been so much worse. I could have lost my husband, my family, but I didn’t and I THANK GOD

Loss is a part of life. Most of the time it’s out of our control.

I’m asking for the grace to move on, to look back only to learn and gain understanding so I can safeguard myself against the losses I can prevent;
also, to find the little girl who was lost so I can grieve with her and help her find the courage to stay out of hiding.

The sense of loss I’m now feeling is painful, but it comforts my heart to know the feelings will heal with time.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:  a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;  a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;  a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ESV

…Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 ESV

A song that encourages me to keep moving:

2 thoughts on “A Time to Lose

  1. “Am I just a bad person who doesn’t deserve friends?” NO, NO, NOOOOO! Lies of the evil one. Don’t listen to him for a second. Every person is valuable in the Father’s eyes, but even beyond that – you are so sweet and genuine, so compassionate and caring. I count it an honor to be your friend!
    Blessings and hugs,
    Kamea

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kamea, today especially has been hard. I know grief is a necessary part of the process, but its difficult. On days like today, on one hand I am reminding myself of the importance of forgiving, but on the other hand I just get so angry at the way my church handled my confession…I recognize people need to be vulnerable, but no one should be forced to have their sin revealed in front of everyone especially when I repented. I think that hurts sometimes worse than the abuse. Thanks for your kindness, prayers and hugs. Need them today. Hugs and love to you my friend. Grateful to have you. XXX

      Like

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