There are days when all I can see are my mistakes. When fear and doubt creeps in and I wonder do I even know Christ. Scripture says that the Spirit of God testifies to us that we belong to Him. I don’t understand at times why He even wants me. But yet I continue to hear His voice speaking to me saying, You are mine.
I think the hardest thing is the reality that I enjoyed and even pursued a relationship with my ex pastor. I’ve broken this relationship down psychologically, prayed through the why’s, wept through the regret, but at times I just see the kindness of my husband, his forgiveness, and the beauty of my children and I cannot understand why I did such a thing.
I live in a whole new town, yet yesterday being around a crowd of people at a funeral I caught myself scrutinizing my behavior. Did I reach out enough to family? Did I say the right things? Did they think I was an idiot? I know it’s insane to even think such things, but the words came to my mind, these people aren’t thinking about me at all.
Once again I recognize my focus needs to get off of myself. But sometimes I just don’t know how.
Sunday’s sermon came to my mind yesterday and this morning. The words are a gentle reminder of what’s most important.
Psalm 131:1-3 ESV
O Lord , my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.
I recognized in those moments yesterday I was being tempted to make myself way too important once again. These people were not thinking about me, and I really didn’t want them to be. I don’t want to be that important. It was a comfort to remind myself that I was simply the person God had made me to be, merely a small part of a larger humanity, called to be here at this funeral, give hugs, encourage, and reflect His glory in the way He created me to.
The wisdom of this knowledge gave me comfort. I was where God wanted me to be. All I had to do was trust Him and relax. This reminder enabled me to do this.
Once again I find myself looking back recognizing that making myself too important was yet another evidence of self contempt in my life. If I blamed myself for anything that went wrong, then I could have some control. But I don’t want control. I want God to have control. This is how I know I’m a Christian. I’m fed up with my way. I yearn for His. I long to rest in this knowledge, and I can when I sit still enough to listen to His voice.
Child, you belong to me. I have forgiven you. Submit yourself to me. I will give you what you need. Trust me.
I realized too that once again in the area of desire I’ve been trying to make myself feel better by buying for the family and a new phone for myself for Christmas. It’s just too easy to overspend. I know I need to submit to Him in this area and pray for wisdom. I know I don’t need to think that I am so important to get everything I want, rather I need to rely on Him to give us what’s best. Just this knowledge gives me peace. I do want to go His way.
Yesterday my husband’s uncle and aunt who’ve been in the ministry came to visit us. They are the only ones in the family who know what I did, yet they treat me like they always did before. This brings me comfort, too. Another one of God’s provisions I’m thankful for.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of recognizing all that we have that He’s given us. Sometimes we just need to say thank you. The world would have us grumble in misery wanting more. I know what wanting more leads to and it has just left me feeling more empty and alone. His way is best.
Thank you, God, for giving me this knowledge.