Desire

The problem isn’t the circumstances when sin happens, the problem is our heart and what it desires.

This doesn’t mean go out and throw yourself into situations where you know it’ll make it difficult to do the right thing, no rather it means that no matter what circumstance you are in if your heart desires the wrong thing you still have a problem that at some point will reveal itself in your circumstances.

I’ve been learning lately that in the area of my desires it is clearly revealed where my commitment lies.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up. Actually, I’m encouraged because lately my desires have changed.

As I dig into the area of my desires, I get a clear picture of where God has brought me to. I’m relieved to be here.  I desire a relationship with Him. I want the fulfillment that comes from knowing I’m doing what He created me for. I desire to do this right here where I am with the family I have. I believe this is God’s will. I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m a miss goody two shoes, because there are a lot of words I’d use to describe myself, but this is not one of them…

My desires have changed for only one reason, because of the hand of God in my life.  He rescued me out of a tangled web of deception my desires had caused me to walk straight into. Right now I’m just grateful.  I know God has forgiven me and declared me righteous, however I never want to forget what my desires outside of His for me led me to. I never want to go back there again.

I’ve wondered a lot recently if could I have learned a different way. I would like to think if I could have told someone else then I might have gotten out of the abuse earlier, but I didn’t ever desire to tell anyone enough, although I thought about asking for help too many times to count when the misery of my sin was just too much to bear.  But my former pastor asked me to promise to take the sin to my grave. He said people couldn’t handle the truth.  People did handle the truth when I told, but it was an overwhelming reality.  However, the truth was it would have been better had it been revealed a few months after it began rather than ten years. But I can’t live in the what if’s.

I cannot change the past, but the conclusion I’ve come to is telling the truth is always the right thing, and it’s better to do it sooner than later.

The good thing is my desires have changed.  Seeing what life outside of the will of God was like has caused me to never want to go back.

Some people have told me I was courageous to come forth with the truth, however the pressure I was under from the Lord had me begging for relief, rather than taking a bold step of courage.

Going to bed at night my mind had been in chaos and confusion. There were so many lies I felt their web had wrapped around my neck and were suffocating me.  I cried out to God for the truth, and when He showed me I knew what I had to do. 

My desire came from a place of desperation…which is often the way it works.  However, in this state of desperation I turned to God, because I knew where my way led.

Now here I am in the place where I believe God wants me to be, still struggling against my human desires to fix my discomforts on my own. Yet with the knowledge of where this has led me in the past ever before me.  I think of Jacob wrestling with God and walking the rest of his life with a limp, Paul struggling with a thorn in the flesh, Peter’s memory of the rooster crowing after he’d denied Jesus the third time, and I’m quite confident these reminders of their own weaknesses kept them turning back to their one desire for hope that could only be found in Him.

My desire is for things to be different. For my needs to be met in Him and not in anyone or anything else. It’s going to take time and healing to get there. It’s going to take being honest with myself, honest with others, and most of all honest with God.  I’ll stumble and fall along the way. We all do, but thank God His forgiveness is never ending.

I need others in my life to help me. God did not create is to be autonomous, however for me it’s hard. I think of how I trusted my former pastor and where it led me. I feel like in relationships I’m walking on a thin sheet of ice across a frozen pond and could fall in icy waters any minute.

But I have to remember that He has my hand. I also need to remember that before the problem was that I let go of His hand.

He created the law for our good. I really messed up when I doubted this. He also created the truth for our freedom and I became enslaved when I lived a lie. 

Christianity is about trust and truth. There’s no formula on how to micromanage our lives to ensure sin free living, but there is always trust and truth, and when our hearts desire these things we are as safe as we can be in our relationship with Him. However, that’s not a guarantee of safety in this world, rather living this way can cause turmoil.

We have a worthy adversary. He’s been watching us our whole lives. He knows what our desires are and how to tempt us. He knows our desperation.

He watched a desperate little girl live a life tangled in lies from her adopted father. He knew her desperation for freedom and also for someone to love her.  He saw the desperation in my ex pastors heart, too that led him to feed himself off of me.

But God saw the desperation, too and in His mercy He told me the truth about what not to do, and even when I didn’t listen He remained there encouraging me over and over again to live in the truth.  I know I grieved His heart, but He never gave up on me. He continued to forgive me at the worst of my sins. He also continued to remind me that He was never going to leave me. He waited patiently for me to get to the place where my desires had sickened me, where in my desperation I had no where to turn except to Him and His loving arms were wide open.  How did I not know His way was best?  Why did I ever leave Him?  How could I have been so blind? 

He whispers to me it’s OK child you are here now that’s what counts.  I’m the good shepherd. The wolf came in and the bad shepherd let him.  But I didn’t stop looking until I found you. You are safe with Me. My desire is for you.

My desires have changed because I saw that no matter what He desires me.  My desperation took Him to the cross. He longs for a relationship with me even when I turned my back on Him. What kind of love is this?  A kind I desire.  Thank you God you never gave up on me.

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